pushing past the panic

i am home.

and i've never before really appreciated what a beautiful place washington state is until very recently. i'm not working yet. i still haven't seen all washington state friends. but this past week, i made it to the gym 4 times, bought a used set of xbox rock band and created a character that looks just like me. i can get wireless internet in my bed. i don't have to pay rent or buy groceries or hunt for a laundramat. no wonder i am just getting generally lazy and complacent!

except, of course, when it comes to matters of the heart. mid-week i just had to get out of the house so i found myself in borders books, wandering, a bit teary-eyed from watching 20-yr-old brother cook dinner with his 20-year-old wife and treating her so gentlemanly, and came across the Book called "The Panic Years." this book is really quite brilliant. i feel like the author is the big sister i never had. while the title causes my mom to woop with laughter, i find it chillingly relavant to my situation. it is about how to stop panicking about not being married and navigating singlehood and dating with class and dignity while every other johnny be good's girlfriend is snickering off into the sunset with cubic zerconiums bigger than their fists.

reading this and listening to "the secret" on audio more frequently has helped me realize something very important. there is a genuine personality underneath The Panic. it is like what the personal trainer at the gym said this week: "everyone has a six-pack underneath layers of fat." yes, i have the personality of a genuinely lovely person underneath The Panic. and though this sounds completely cornball and so gen-x, i think i can say that i am coming to myself.