insurance

daily life can be tough. i get up at 4am to be at work by 6am. i spend my workday hoping that my time there will get me into better opportunities, in a better position when i finish my home-study medical transcription classes. with my mode of transportation being the public bus, my days are long.

but i study on the bus. sometimes i work on my novel. when i get home, i relax by chatting with my husband and read my mormon feminist blog. i study for a few hours, and sometimes squeeze in cleaning the kitchen. often, the clean clothes spend a few days on the floor before the make it to their hangers after getting washed. often dinner consists of warming up soup or simply making the same thing i ate for lunch. if cole is craving something specific, he will cook. i do basic cleaning on saturdays.

i've come to realize that for my family to achieve greater financial success, it's going to take a lot of hours from both of us. i may never be a full-time stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). even with a medical transcription certification in the near future, i will probably have to go to graduate school to earn better money and enjoy flexibility in scheduling and good health benefits. that i won't have to compete for low-paying administrative jobs with the masses. all that on top of the intellectual gifts given to me recently: ideas for novels that keep begging for attention and i feel compelled to write on a very deep level. gifts that feel spiritual and intellectual. when will i find the time for them? am i going to need to study spanish to be truly competitive in los angeles?

sometimes i feel angry at myself. why did i study a humanities degree? why didn't i understand what a struggle it would be years later? people warned me. why didn't i heed their advice? i simply was not that kind of person back then. and i am simply not the kind of person that can be happy working a job that didn't match me well. this year has been evident of that.

so whenever or however i had to learn that lesson, i'm learning it. this time is a time of earning insurance. insurance for if our plans don't work out too well and being a full-time SAHM wouldn't have worked out for us anyway. insurance is expensive, and i'm paying it by the hour. there's the full-time job, there's the commute, there's the studying, and the hours of my heart hoping and working for something better.